Listening To Her Intestines
by Broadway007
Summary: Maura refuses to believe that a student committed suicide and asks Jane to help her prove that. Just a quick Rizzles ficlet to get used to writing Rizzoli & Isles fanfic. Rated T for non-graphic mentions of self harm and suicide. Was a one shot but will now be multi-chapter upon request!
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first foray into writing Rizzoli & Isles FanFiction. I've read countless stories and have watched the show since it began but never really felt inclined to write FanFic for it. But now I do!**

**This idea has been in my head for a few months now but since I was wrapping up my last semester of undergraduate, I didn't really have time to dedicate to writing. Now that I am free and my only responsibility is job hunting, I figured I would give this a shot.**

**Be gentle in your critiques but also constructive! Let me know what I can do better because I have a few other plots roaming my brain.**

* * *

The sound that greeted Maura as she entered the small university dorm room was boisterous laughter coming from the mouths of the officers who had been the first to respond to the call reporting a gunshot on campus.

"Is something humorous, gentleman?" Maura asked as she set her bag down and allowed her eyes to take in the barren walls of the room and the immaculate tidiness that rivaled Maura's own college dorm room.

"Just talkin' 'bout the bachelor party I'm gonna be throwing for Eddie tomorrow night," one of the men laughed as he gave his partner a hearty pat on the back. "Gonna be a real wild night!"

"I am sure it will be, Officer," Maura said with as much politeness as she could muster. "But perhaps we could respect the deceased, who appears to be no older than twenty, and save the talk of strippers and alcohol until you're off the clock?"

"Aw, come on, Doc," the other officer said. "She's just another overly dramatic, psycho college kid who couldn't handle the pressure of being away from mom and dad and shot herself."

"You're making a large assumption," Maura stated as she pulled on a pair of blue examination gloves and kneeled next to the woman. "Just because there is a gunshot wound to the head that appears to have been shot from point blank does not mean that this woman is just a, as you say, 'psycho college kid.'"

"But check out her arms," one of the officer's said, motioning to the victim. "She's got cuts all up and down them."

"It is estimated than millions of individuals have struggled with self-injurious behavior at some point in their lifetime," Maura stated calmly, ensuring that her annoyance with the clearly inexperienced officers remained in check. "The majority of those who have been studied or interviewed in regards to their self-harm stated that they did not wish to die. Quite the opposite, in fact. They were doing it to stay alive. A way to release the endorphins to raise emotions, control physical pain when emotional pain became too much, or simply as a means to achieve a sense of calm in an otherwise hectic world."

"That all might be true but those crazies who do that sorta stuff clearly are missing a few marbles, am I right?" The two officers laughed at the joke, oblivious to the daggers the medical examiner was shooting at them from her eyes.

Shaking her head at their actions, Maura began to examine the wound on the young woman's head, her actions gentle and laden with unspoken emotions.

"Single gunshot wound to the left side of her head seems to have come from incredibly close proximity," Maura said aloud, her voice firm and not showing the emotions stirring within her. "I would like to have her body delivered to Headquarters so I can perform a closer examination, however," she added as she stood up to face the still chuckling officers.

"Really, doc?"

"Yes, really," Maura said firmly. "Although you may seem to think that this young woman died by her own hand and is not deserving of the same respect as the other victims we as the Boston Police Department encounter every other day, you are wrong. Now please arrange to have the body transported to my morgue immediately."

* * *

It was not until nearly 10pm that night that Jane finally spoke with Maura. She had been out speaking with witnesses all day and was finally walking to her car in the parking garage when she noticed that Maura's car was still sitting where it had been parked that morning.

"Maur?" Jane called out as she entered the morgue, noticing the body of a young woman laying out on one of the cold metal tables yet with no medical examiner in sight. "Maura?" she called again, walking towards her friend's private office.

A tired smile formed on Jane's face when she saw a sleeping medical examiner with her head resting on her arms above an array of papers. Her hair was pulled into a lose ponytail and the sleeves of her lavender silk blouse were pushed up to her elbows. Jane couldn't see her skirt but assumed that it was wrinkled like the blouse.

Jane shook her head as she knelt at the front of Maura's desk and rested her own head on her arms, looking at the sleeping woman as she was now at the same level.

"Wakey, wakey," Jane said gently. "It's time to go home," she added.

Maura's eyes blinked open when she heard the gravelly voice of her best friend. She felt calm for a few moments as she allowed Jane's face to come into focus before remembering why she was still in the morgue so late.

"What time is it?" Maura asked as she shot from her chair, sending a few sheets of paper to the floor.

"It's almost 10," Jane replied as she stood up and watched Maura frantically pick up the papers that had fallen. "I'm exhausted but was thinking we could order some-"

"10pm?" Maura cried, cutting Jane off. "I remember putting my head down at 8:30 for a few minutes of meditation but was not expecting to sleep for so long. I need to get back to work," Maura said as she flew past Jane into the chilly morgue.

"Uh, Maur?" Jane asked, following her friend into the morgue and watching her pull an examination gown over her clothing. "I didn't think we had any autopsies that needed to be done. The Velazquez case was closed yesterday and the Briggs case is all but closed so what work is it that you have to do? And why can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"It is a case that you aren't on," Maura said as she vigorously scrubbed her hands and forearms, angry at herself for sleeping when there was work to do. "A resident assistant reported a gunshot earlier today. I came to the scene to discover Amy Ryan lying on her dorm floor with a gunshot wound to her left temple. The officers at the scene were clearly under the impression that she took her own life but I requested that her body be delivered here."

"Do you think there was some sort of foul play at work?" Jane questioned softly, knowing that inside Maura's logical brain there must be a reason why she is performing an autopsy when the cause of death seemed to be apparent.

"It is entirely possible," Maura said as she turned to face Jane who was now standing next to Amy's body, looking down at the young woman's face. "The self-inflicted cuts are on her left arm, which would suggest she used her right arm to make the cuts and, thus, is a dominant right handed individual. But the gunshot wound is on the left side of her temple, which would not make sense."

"Could she be ambidextrous?" Jane asked.

"The percentage of the population who can use both hands with equal ease is surprisingly small but it is possible that Amy was ambidextrous. But-"

"Maura," Jane said, placing a hand on Maura's shoulder to calm her as she attempted to prepare the area for autopsy. "I know that you're all about finding out the truth and stuff and that a college kid killing themselves is tragic but there's no point in adding to your already crazy workload if this is an open and shut case."

"It isn't open and shut!" Maura snapped, turning around to face Jane, her eyes no longer sleepy but filled with fire. "I apologize," she quickly said after she realized the anger in her voice. "I don't know what have come over me. I just…Something is telling me that Amy did not kill herself. That she did not place the gun to her temple and take her life."

"Dr. Isles," Jane said with a smile. "Are you doing what you told me you never do and listening to your intestines?"

Hearing Jane's joke sent ice through Maura's veins and she pulled her shoulder away from Jane's grasp and spun around to continue preparing for the autopsy. She was still angry at the words of the officers from the crime scene and now Jane was mocking her for her lack of scientific approach.

"Hey, hey, hey," Jane said when she realized she had caused Maura pain. "Maur, I was kidding. If you think that girl didn't take her own life, then I will listen to all your theories and we will solve this like we do everything else. Together."

"Really?" Maura asked, stilling her movements but still remaining with her back to Jane.

"Of course, Maur," Jane smiled. "But can we work on it after we get some Chinese and a few hours of sleep?"

* * *

After arguing in the car ride to Maura's home, again over Chinese take-out, and yet again after curling into Maura's large bed, Jane finally convinced Maura that getting several hours of sleep and arriving at headquarters at 7am would be their plan. Which is why, at 6:30am Maura was tapping her foot next to her front door, keys and handbag in hand.

"If you'd let me drive we could have an extra 15 minutes," Jane yawned as she grabbed the travel thermos of coffee Maura had prepared for her and took a large gulp.

"If I let you drive we would most likely be stopped for speeding," Maura said as she turned to exit her house and begin the drive to headquarters.

"That's what the badge is for," Jane smiled as she climbed into Maura's car, barely shutting the door before Maura was pulling out of the driveway. "So, care to tell me about what else you've discovered about Amy so we can hit the ground running when we arrive?"

"Well, as I mentioned yesterday the scars on her arm and the side of her head the gun was pressed against contradict each other, which first made me feel uneasy when doing the preliminary exam at the scene."

"What else?" Jane prodded gently.

"I did a swab of both of her hands for gunshot residue and every test I ran proved to be negative for residue. Which would make sense if she had gloves on but she didn't. If she had fired the gun into her temple, the amount of gunshot residue on her hand and arm would be significant but there is none at all. I also was able to get her medical records delivered and all the records state that Amy had not harmed herself in over a year, which is consistent with the lack of fresh wounds I found on her and the healing process of the various scars on her arms. I find it hard to believe that after a year of not harming herself, being very consistent with taking her medications, and seeing a professional therapist, Amy would suddenly shoot herself without warning."

"All of that is circumstantial, though," Jane said softly as she watched Maura bite her bottom lip.

"I know, Jane," Maura sighed as she ran a hand through her hair at a stop light. "Which is why I need your help. I need Boston's best detective to help me find solid evidence that Amy Ryan did not kill herself. I need to know if she had enemies or an angry ex-lover or a disgruntled family member. Anyone who knew of her struggle with self-harm and wanted her gone. Please, Jane," Maura added, her voice clearly heavy with sadness as they pulled into the parking garage.

"Hey," Jane whispered as she reached over the center console to place a hand on Maura's shoulder and softly rub soothing circles with her thumb. Maura closed her eyes at the gentle actions shown by the detective. "You are the most brilliant and dedicated human being on this planet and I guess you could say I'm a little bit brilliant and dedicated, too. Which means that we are gonna figure this out, okay? We're gonna do Amy justice."

"Thank you," Maura said softly before opening her eyes and turning her head to face Jane. "Let's go."

* * *

Jane had hardly left the morgue that day, working from Maura's computer and making calls to anyone who could offer insight to their unofficial case while Maura examined the body and sifted through medical records. Angela had come to bring them lunch at 1pm yet word had traveled fast that the two of them were not to be disturbed unless absolutely necessary.

It was nearing 8pm when Maura jumped up from behind her desk and called out Jane's name.

"Huh?" Jane asked, rubbing her eyes as she watched Maura walk out from behind her desk with her laptop in hand.

"Look at this e-mail that the Dean of Students just e-mailed me," Maura said as she sat next to Jane on the small couch in her office. "He says that Amy's ex-boyfriend Jonathan Adams might be a viable suspect. He and Amy met in a group therapy that Amy was in as she worked to overcome her self-harm. The two began dating and were inseparable. While Amy was able to stop self-harming, Jonathan only got worse with his self-harm. Amy went to the counseling center one day because she feared Jonathan was going to kill himself and when Jonathan found out that she did that behind his back, the counselors at the center described him as "filled with rage." He felt that Amy acted as a hypocrite by turning him in for harming himself when Amy used to do the same. He said several threatening statements directed at Amy in the presence of school officials."

"Maur, that's great!" Jane said as she took the laptop from Maura's outstretched hands and began to type rapidly, smiling when she pulled up a handful of tabs. "Seriously, when are kids ever going to learn to make social media private?" she mused as she turned the laptop so both she and Maura could see the screen. "On every single social media site his name is on he's made some sort of status or comment about how karma is a bitch and-"

"Snitches get stitches?" Maura read aloud, shock in her voice. "He said these things?"

"Yeah…" Jane trailed off. "I think I might pay Jonathan a little visit," Jane said as she set the laptop down on the couch and ran her hands through her hair, trying to tame the wild curls.

"Should I come with you?" Maura asked, standing up to stand in front of the detective.

"You should stay here," Jane said after a few moments of silence. "That way when I get Jonathan to come clean about shooting Amy in the head, I can send you a quick text and you can be the one to call Amy's family and let them know that their little girl didn't do this to herself."

Maura just nodded, not trusting her voice to not crack if she spoke. She offered Jane a soft smile before giving her friend a gentle push out the door, already awaiting the text letting her know that her gut had been right and she could let Amy's family know that their daughter hadn't taken her life.

The medical examiner's nerves were under control for the first hour but after two hours had passed since Jane left her office, Maura was unable to keep the nerves at bay. She was pacing the length of her office, the constant click-click-click of her heels offering a slight bit of solace to her frayed nerves. She was on her seventeenth lap when her cellphone chirped, causing her the rhythm of her steps to falter as she scurried to her desk to check the newest message.

_Call her parents. Tell them Amy didn't do this to herself. _

Maura's vision was instantly blurry with tears she hadn't anticipated. She allowed a few to fall before dabbing them away and moving to sit down at her desk, dialing the number she had written down in hopes that the night would end this way.

"Hello, is this Gregory Ryan? My name is Dr. Maura Isles and I am the Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am calling today in regards to your daughter, Amy…"

* * *

Maura took a sip of her wine as she watched the clock on her television set switch from 11:59pm to 12:00am. She inhaled deeply as the emotions of the past two days began to sink into her bones.

"You did good, Maur," Jane said softly as she set her beer bottle on the side table and moved her body to look more directly at the exhausted doctor. "Really good."

"Thank you," Maura replied as she continued to stare forward.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Of course."

"So if, uh, you were thinking of hurting yourself like Amy used to do or even if you used to hurt yourself like she used to, you know I would be there to listen to you. To support you and stuff," Jane said, the sincerity in her voice obvious.

"I never engaged in self-harm," Maura said softly as she placed her wine glass down and turned to face Jane. "As an Isles I knew that far too much was at stake should someone discover that the daughter of Constance Isles was a cutter."

"But did you ever think of…doing that?" Jane asked, resisting the urge to reach out and take Maura's hands.

"Yes," Maura confessed, her eyes looking down to avoid Jane's.

At Maura's confession, Jane could no longer resist the urge to touch her friend and reached in between them to take Maura's hands in her own and give them a soft squeeze.

"In an Abnormal Psychology course I took as an elective my junior year of college we of course touched on mental illnesses such as depression and bi-polar disorder. The topic of self-injury came up and in a way it fascinated me. I found myself wondering what it would be like if I ever started to harm myself. If what people said about it was true. If it would give me that sense of control at a time when it felt as though my life was spiraling out of control. If it would allow me to take the emotional pain of what my peers said about me and turn it into a more manageable physical pain," Maura admitted as she still avoided the eyes of her best friend.

"Hey," Jane said, releasing one of Maura's hands to place it underneath the blonde's chin and lift her friend's head to meet her gaze. "You've got nothing to be ashamed of," Jane smiled as she returned her other hand back to Maura's to squeeze both of them gently.

"A dear friend of mine began to do it," Maura whispered, the tears that had appeared earlier in her eyes returning. "She was one of the only friends I had while in college who did not try to take advantage of me for my intelligence. She began to cut after she got a C- on an essay that was worth 30% of our final grade. She started small—only two or three cuts that were not very deep," Maura continued as a tear fell from her eye and landed on her pajama top. "But it continued to get worse and worse until she was removed from university for violating student code."

"Violating student code?" Jane asked.

"Causing yourself purposeful bodily harm violated the student code," Maura clarified. "Which makes hardly any sense—expelling someone from an institution where they have a support system and counselors willing to see them for free. But many universities to this day have self-harm as a violation of student code."

"Wow," Jane breathed, unable to speak as she watched a few more tears escape Maura's eyes.

"When the officers were mocking Amy's self-injury and calling all those who engage in self-injury psycho or as missing a few marbles, I found myself remembering my time in college contemplating self-harm and how easily I could have gone from Maura the Bora to Maura the Psycho or how much it would have caused Isabella pain to hear others say she was missing a few marbles."

"Maura," Jane said, watching her friend in pain causing her pain as well.

"It hurt," Maura said softly as she broke eye contact with Jane and averted her gaze, although she made no effort to pull her hands from Jane's.

"I can only imagine," Jane said as she squeezed Maura's hands and allowed her thumbs to rub up and down the backs of Maura's hands.

The two sat in silence for several minutes, with only the occasional sniffle coming from Maura as she allowed the memories and emotions to finally penetrate her armor causing a sound. Jane did not try to stop the tears or calm her friend. Instead she simply continued to offer reassuring squeezes to Maura's hands, letting her know it was okay to fall apart once in a while.

When the sniffles coming from Maura finally subsided, Jane caught Maura's gaze and Maura couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle.

"Sorry," she laughed as she pulled one of her hands out of Jane's to wipe gingerly at her eyes and the tear tracks that had formed.

"Nothin' to be sorry for," Jane smiled as she winked at Maura. "Wanna head to bed? It's getting' late and I know how much you value your REM sleep."

"REM sleep has been proven by countless studies to-"

"Improve concentration, elevate mood, increase productivity, and heighten senses," Jane finished as she stood up and offered her hand to help Maura stand up as well.

"I don't understand why you insist on being snarky when it comes to my knowledge if you actually listen to me," Maura laughed as she continued to hold Jane's hand as they walked up the stairs to Maura's bedroom. The handholding was new and not something either was used to yet it felt oddly natural to have some sort of physical contact after such a trying few days.

The two women crawled into bed, their hands only separating momentarily as they adjusted themselves and got comfortable before searching and clasping each other once again.

"Jane?" Maura whispered after the two had settled into a comfortable position laying side by side, arms brushing.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you for trusting in me today," Maura said softly.

"It was all you, Maur," Jane replied. "You and your brilliant intestines."

* * *

I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! So, I was not planning on continuing this story in any way but I figured I could at least try to include one or two more chapters with some suggestions that people have left me.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Jane awoke the next morning with a tickle in her nose. She opened her eyes slowly, smiling softly when she realized the tickle in her nose came from strands of Maura's hair. Taking in her surroundings, Jane realized that she and Maura were lying torso to torso with the top of Maura's head nestled just under Jane's chin.

Moving slowly, Jane pulled one of her arms from around Maura's torso and reached behind her to fumble for her cellphone. Grasping it she brought it to her face and groaned softly when she saw the time. 5:53, which meant she had 7 minutes until Maura's alarm clock went off and one hour and 7 minutes until she absolutely had to get out of bed.

Before setting her phone back down, she managed to one handedly send a text to Frost, knowing that he was probably still sound asleep but wanting to do it before he forgot.

_Frost, I need you to work your tech magic for me. On Monday afternoon there was a report of a gun shot at a BCU dorm. Maura was at the scene but I need you to find out the names of the officers who responded to the call. _

Smiling, Jane stuffed her phone under the pillow and closed her eyes, returning her arm to its place around Maura.

"I wonder what the boys of BPD would think if they knew Detective Rizzoli secretly loves to cuddle," Maura said softly, her eyes still closed.

"It is damn good thing they will never find that out and, if they do, I will deny it to the grave," Jane laughed as she tried to subtly pull her arms away from Maura.

Maura missed the warmth Jane provided when Jane pulled away from her and rolled onto her back to stretch.

"What time is it?" Maura asked.

"Last I checked it was 5:53 in the bright an early morning, which means that you alarm will be going off-"

Jane was interrupted when Maura's alarm clock began to beep softly, growing louder with each passing second. Maura sat up and shut the alarm off, pulling her legs to sit cross legged as she stretched her arms over her head.

"I have no idea why you insist on getting up at 6am when we don't have to be at work until 8am," Jane sighed as she pulled the pillow Maura had been using over her eyes.

"It allows me time to practice my morning yoga, shower, actually enjoy my breakfast, and not have to speed in order to arrive on time," Maura said with a smile as she shook her head at Jane's pillow covered face. "Would you like to join me for yoga or should I set the alarm for 7am and allow you to sleep some more?"

Jane mumbled something into the pillow but what she said Maura couldn't decipher.

"I am sorry, detective, but you are going to have to remove the pillow from your face if you would like me to understand what you're saying," Maura laughed.

Jane dramatically pulled the pillow from her face, flung it to the floor, and turned to face Maura.

"I said I will join your for your earlier than the crack of dawn yoga," Jane repeated.

"Really?" Maura asked excitedly, thrilled for Jane to join her in her morning exercises.

"Don't make me change my mind," Jane said as she attempted to keep a straight face which, ultimately, she failed at as she saw the excitement Maura exuded as she nearly leapt from her bed and rushed to pull her yoga pants and top from her dresser.

"Oh, please don't!" Maura said as she entered her en suite bathroom and began to pull her yoga clothing on. "Normally I have to beg you to join me in yoga! Having you volunteer is quite exciting!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jane said as she pulled herself from Maura's bed and pulled her hair into a ponytail. She checked her phone and wasn't surprised to find Frost hadn't replied to her message yet.

"Is there any particular reason you are so willingly joining me this morning?" Maura asked as she re-entered her bedroom in a pair of black yoga pants and a matching tank top.

"I just…" Jane trailed off, still not sure she entirely understood why she was volunteering to join Maura. "I guess I just wanna be the best friend I can be for you and support you and your interests and stuff…"

Maura smiled softly and crossed her bedroom to stand in front of Jane. Maura placed her hands on her hips, standing authoritatively in front of Jane and commanding her attention.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli, you are already the best friend I have ever had and you prove to me time and time again that you support me. Please don't feel as though you have to do yoga in order to prove that to me."

"Alright, alright," Jane smiled. "Let's stop it with the mushy gushy feelings before I decide bed trumps yoga."

* * *

Jane felt better than most other mornings when she walked into the bullpen that morning, although she refused to admit that waking up early to join Maura in her yoga was the reason.

"Hey, partner," Frost smiled as he watched Jane walk in and sit down across from him.

"Hey," Jane smiled as she booted up her computer. "Did you get that text I sent you early today?"

"Yep," Frost said as he flicked a paper football at Jane, watching it hit her chest. "Got their names and ID numbers. They are on duty for another half an hour so, like most other newbies, they are probably stuffing their face in the café to avoid actually doing work. I also got ya the next three times they are on duty in case you needed to have a little chit chat with 'em."

Jane opened the paper football, smiling as her eyes scanned the page. She stood up and shoved the paper into her pocket, grinning at Frost.

"Think you can hold down the fort, pal? I'm gonna go say hi to ma for a bit. In the café. You want anything?"

"Bring me one of those espresso brownies your ma started making!" Frost called to Jane as she walked towards the elevators.

Jane gave a thumbs up over her shoulder to let Frost know she had heard him but was too busy planning what she was going to say to the two officers who had caused Maura's pain when she found them. She smoothed her blazer as the elevator took her down to the café, a solid plan formulating in her head just as the elevator doors dinged open.

"Hey, ma," Jane said as her eyes scanned the café for anyone who might look like a pair of new officers.

"Hi, Janie," Angela said as she watched her daughter's eyes scan the crowd. "Looking for Maura?"

"Nah," Jane said as she spotted a pair of officers. "Hey, Frost wants one of those espresso brownies you created. Could you maybe wrap one up for him? I gotta talk to these guys but I'll grab it on my way out."

Angela simply nodded as Jane walked towards the young men at the corner table.

"Hey, I'm lookin' for Edwardo Ramirez and Jonathan Griffth. That you guys?" Jane asked the two laughing men.

"Yeah," one of the men said, wiping his hand on his pant leg and sticking it out to shake Jane's hand. "I'm Eddie and this here is Jonny boy," he said as he nodded towards his partner.

"I'm Detective Rizzoli," Jane said, ignoring Eddie's outstretched hand. "And I hear you guys have been making some pretty dumb comments at crime scenes."

"Huh?" the other officer said. "I dunno what you're talking about."

"People who cut themselves are missing a few marbles? That anyone who struggles with self-harm is a psycho? Ring any bells?"

"Oh, you're talkin' 'bout that suicide that the doc was all up in a twist over?" Eddie asked. "We was just joking around. Didn't really think that the doc would get all in a huff over it."

"Alright," Jane said as she stood a bit taller. "I'm only gonna say this stuff once so you better pay attention. First of all, it was not a suicide and if you maybe hadn't jumped to conclusions you would have realized that. Second of all, saying stuff like you said at the scene is not okay in any way. You're adding to the stigma of what people with mental health issues deal with and that is not okay. Third, Doctor Maura Isles is my best friend and I don't appreciate it when idiots like you hurt her feelings."

"Yo, we didn't mean to hurt her feelings or nothin,'" Jonathan stammered.

"Yeah, we were just trying to have a laugh," Eddie added.

"At the expense of others? No, that's not any way to get a laugh. But, since this is the first problem the three of us have had, I'm gonna go easy on you. You are going to go down to the morgue and you are going to apologize to Doctor Isles in person and you had better be sincere when you apologize. After you've done that, I expect you to go into the break room and sign your names up on sign-up sheet for the Connect, Protect, and Respect sensitivity training that is taking place next weekend. We clear?"

The two officers simply nodded at Jane, thoroughly convinced that any words they uttered would only further their punishment.

Seeing their nods, Jane turned on her heel and returned to the counter where Angela had set out a bag with Frost's espresso brownie as well as coffee for Jane, Frost, and Korsak.

"Thanks, ma!" Jane called into the kitchen where Angela was working, walking proudly out of the café and back to the squadroom.

* * *

Maura and Jane were sitting in the usual booth at The Dirty Robber later that night. Jane was perusing the menu while Maura ran her fingertip along the rim of her wine glass.

"I got a visit from the officer's from Amy's crime scene," Maura said as Jane's eyes scanned the menu. "The ones who make the jokes about her being psycho and missing a few marbles."

"And?" Jane asked, still not looking directly at Maura.

"They came down to my office to apologize for what they said at the scene. They said they didn't know that their insensitive comments were adding to the negative stigmas surrounding mental health and self-harm and that their intention was not to cause me pain."

"Sounds like they learned their lesson somehow," Jane shrugged.

"Jane," Maura said firmly. "We both know you are going to order the same thing you always do so will you please look at me?"

Jane sighed as she put the menu down and looked into Maura's eyes, smiling when she saw the sparkle in Maura's eyes that had been absent for too long.

"Thank you," Maura said sincerely.

"For what?" Jane smirked.

"For talking to the officers and letting them know that their words have consequences and caused pain. It means a lot."

"Well, like I said this morning, I'm trying to be the best friend I can be for you. Plus they needed to learn that they can't be insensitive jerks while on the job," Jane said.

"What else was included in their punishment?" Maura asked with a grin.

"They have to volunteer to be a part of the weekend long Connect, Protect, and Respect sensitivity training that's next weekend," Jane said with a grin.

"You're evil," Maura laughed as she shook her head at the laughing detective. The waiter came to take their order as she laughed.

"Gonna have the usual, ladies?" the waiter asked.

"Yeah," Jane smiled as she picked up her menu and grabbed Maura's to hand to the waiter.

"Actually," Maura said as the waiter took their menus. "I think I would like to try your mushroom and Swiss burger with a side of sweet potato fries, if that's okay?"

"Good choice," the waiter smiled. "I'll get your order right in," he added as he walked away.

"What?" Maura asked when she noticed Jane was staring at her with her mouth hanging open.

"Did you really just order a burger? And fries? And no kale?" Jane asked.

"I did, yes," Maura confirmed.

"Who the heck are you and what the hell have you done with Maura?" Jane laughed.

"You joined me in my morning yoga so I thought I would join you in your evening burger," Maura shrugged. "I suppose I am doing what you are doing, Jane," Maura smiled. "Just trying to be the best friend I can be."

* * *

Thoughts?

I was going to leave this as a one shot but people wanted to see Jane confront the officers so I added this chapter for that. Would ya'll like to see me have Jane and Maura kinda dive into Maura's confession from the first chapter where she talked about thinking of hurting herself and her friend who used to hurt herself? Yes? No?


	3. Chapter 3

**I wasn't really planning on continuing this story past the first chapter but ya'll convinced me to write the second chapter and now I'm feeling like writing another chapter. I'm not really sure how long this story will end up being because it really depends if you want to see it go into some dark stuff (Maura contemplating harming herself, actually harming herself, etc…)**

**Also, on a personal note: I am 21 years old right now but from the ages of 12 to 19 I engaged in self-harm. Cutting primarily but also burning myself every now and then. It was pretty severe and I wasn't in control of my addiction at all. I recently celebrated 2 years cut free, the longest I have ever gone. So when I write of self-harm, I am not trying to capitalize on anyone's pain or exploit those who self-harm. I write from a very personal perspective that I have lived through.**

**If anything in this story triggers you or brings up painful emotions, you can reach out to me and I can help you work through them or get in touch with those who can.**

**For now, enjoy this next installment of Listening to Her Intestines!**

* * *

Nearly a week had passed since Maura had listened to her intestines to prove Amy had not killed herself and, although Maura had joined Jane in a burger at the Dirty Robber and seemed to be at ease, it was time for Jane to listen to _her_ intestines. Something still felt off with Maura though the medical examiner tried her hardest to keep a strong façade up while at work. But moments came when Jane saw the façade slip before Maura quickly put it back into place to avoid detection. Jane catalogued every slip of Maura's façade, waiting for the appropriate time to let Maura know she was on to something.

The moment came on a Thursday night that found Jane and Maura curled up on Maura's couch. Jane sat with her feet propped up on Maura's coffee table while Maura stretched her legs to Jane's lap. So far that evening, Maura hadn't scolded Jane for putting her feet on the coffee table or for not using a coaster.

"What is Bass?" Jane asked seemingly out of the blue.

"He is a tortoise," Maura replied as she continued to stare into her wine glass.

"Okay," Jane sighed as she pulled her feet from the coffee table and turned her body to face Maura head on. "Something is up with you and I really would like to know what it is."

"Why do you assume something is wrong?" Maura asked simply.

"Well, tonight alone you haven't told me to keep my feet off the coffee table or yelled at me for not using a coaster. Plus you just showed your tell," Jane said.

"And what is my tell?"

"If everything were just peachy keen, you would have told me that Bass is a Geochelone sulcata tortoise, not just a tortoise. When you've got too much on your mind your Google Mouth turns into Wikipedia Mouth," Jane stated.

"I suppose being best friends with a detective has its downsides," Maura said with a soft smile.

"Gonna tell me what's been on your mind for the past few days?" Jane asked, not accepting Maura's attempts at deflection.

Maura closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, attempting to focus her emotions to force them to remain calm.

"I reached out to Isabella," she said simply.

"Who?" Jane asked, not sure who Maura was referring to.

"Isabella is the friend from college I mentioned last week," Maura stated. "The one who was kicked out of BCU because of her serious self-injury," she clarified.

"Oh," was all Jane could say.

"I did a little digging and found an e-mail address for her," Maura began. "So I sent her an email on Saturday. I just told her that she crossed my mind and that I hoped she was doing well wherever life had taken her. It was a rather short e-mail."

"Did she not reply? Is that why you've been mentally absent the past couple days?"

"She replied," Maura said as she took a sip of her wine. "She is living in New York City, actually. She didn't say what she was doing there but that she'd been there for several years. Apparently she has heard about some of the cases I've been involved with and has thought about me before but never thought to reach out."

"And that's enough to throw you into a funk?" Jane asked, not sure how a simple e-mail correspondence could have such a strong effect on her friend.

"She invited me to come to New York for a visit," Maura said softly as she met Jane's gaze for the first time since the conversation started.

"Do you wanna go?" Jane prodded gently.

"I think I would like to go, yes," Maura replied. "We were incredibly close during our three years together. We had plans to get an apartment together our senior year. When she was removed from the university I almost left myself because I didn't know if I could withstand another year of loneliness. But forensic pathology was my dream and ultimately I completed my degree."

"I'm glad you didn't drop out," Jane said, trying to imagine where she would be if not for the friendship she and Maura shared.

"Do you think I should visit her?" Maura asked.

"I think it's totally your decision," Jane said with a shrug of her shoulders. "If it were me, I think I'd go. Losing someone who was such a close friend to you without much warning probably sucked and it might be nice to at least touch base in person. Plus it might help you get outta the funk that Amy's case threw you into."

"I tried to hide the funk," Maura said with weak smile. "I suppose I'm not as good at doing that as I thought I was."

"Either that or I'm just your best friend whose job it is to notice when you're off," Jane smiled.

"I think I will go to her, then," Maura said, her voice confident in her decision. "Even if things with her don't offer closure or we've become too different, a weekend away would be quite nice. Especially in New York City."

"You better bring me back a souvenir," Jane joked. "And not one of those tacky I Heart NY shirts, either."

* * *

Maura scheduled her trip for the very next weekend and thankfully found herself buried in work, leaving her no time to question her decision or become any more nervous than she already was. Friday evening came and she was exiting the morgue when she quite literally ran into Jane.

"Oh!" she gasped, a hand coming up to rest over her rapidly beating heart.

"Sorry 'bout that," Jane said as she noticed how much their run in startled Maura. "I just wanted to run down here before you left and say bye. Frost and I are on a roll but I didn't want you to jet set off to the Big Apple without saying goodbye."

"Thank you," Maura smiled as her heart began to calm. "I'm sorry I got so startled. I'm extremely nervous for my lunch with Isabella tomorrow and have been a bit on edge the past few hours."

"Nothing to be sorry about," Jane said with a smile. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you to the airport tomorrow?"

"Thank you but I really am fine taking a cab. My flight leaves very early and I know how much you detest getting up in the mornings," Maura smiled. "But I promise to text you when I land in the city and again when I departing on Sunday and again when I land back in Boston."

"And you promise to text me any other time you need me, right?" Jane asked, knowing that this weekend might be emotionally draining for the medical examiner.

"Of course," Maura said, noting the compassion in Jane's eyes. "Is it weird that I'm this nervous?" Maura asked, unsure if her nerves were warranted or simply a product of her lack of social skills.

"Nah," Jane said in an attempt to calm her friend's nerves. "I think if I was seeing a friend I hadn't spoken to in years, I'd be a bit of a nervous wreck, too. But you're Doctor Maura Isles, medical examiner extraordinaire, so a few butterflies in your stomach don't stand a chance."

"What if she hates me for not reaching out to her sooner?" Maura asked, finally allowing herself to voice some of her concerns. "Or what if she hates me for thinking of her because the topic of self-injury came up and she doesn't like to be associated with that time of her life anymore?"

"Did you really just use the phrase 'what if' twice in less than 15 seconds?" Jane asked, her lips curving into a grin.

"I…I suppose I did," Maura said as she played back what she had just said in her mind. "Maye visiting her wasn't such a good idea," the blonde said as she lifted her head to look at Jane nervously.

"You'll be great, Maura," Jane reassured her. "Just go home, have a glass of wine, and head to bed early. Get some sleep and remember that, even if your lunch goes horribly awry, I'm a text away. Kay?"

"Okay," Maura said, allowing Jane to wrap her in a tight hug before dashing back to the squadroom.

* * *

Maura found herself fiddling with the pendant of her necklace as she sat in a small café that Isabella had suggested they meet at. It was hidden and rather eclectic but Maura appreciated the artsy feel of the café. Each time the bell above the door rang her head shot up, only to be disappointed that the patron wasn't who she was waiting for. She nervously checked her cell phone and, when she looked up from the device, was greeted by a woman standing beside her table.

"Maura?" the woman asked. Her skin was a deep olive color and her black hair was cut to her ears, spiking out in various directions. She wore a pair of skinny jeans with paint stains and a t-shirt with a band name on it Maura couldn't read thanks to the buttoned blazer she wore over it.

"Isabella?" Maura asked with a soft smile.

"That's me," the woman replied with a smile that instantly brought Maura back to her college years. Maura felt the butterflies in her stomach begin to settle as she stood up and gave Isabella a hug as a means of greeting.

"Were you able to find this place okay?" Isabella asked after she and Maura parted to sit across from each other at the table.

"Oh, yes," Maura said. "The cab driver had a bit of a difficult time so he dropped me off about a block away but I was able to find it once I began walking."

"I'm sorry I couldn't come pick you up from your hotel. I wasn't sure how long my job would last this morning so I thought just arranging to meet here would be okay," Isabella said as she watched Maura intently.

"Nothing to apologize for," Maura smiled. "What is it that you're doing now? For your job?"

"I do a couple things, actually," Isabella replied as she nodded thanks to the waiter who silently placed glasses of water in front of the two women. "This morning I was doing a photo shoot which is kind of my independent business that I've got. I do a bit of everything and today's shoot was a woman who wanted to take some pregnancy shots. But I also help build sets and stuff for some of the smaller theatres around here, hence the paint all over my jeans."

"You always loved the arts," Maura reminisced, images of Isabella attempting to teach Maura to paint or sketch and failing miserably filling her memory.

"I still do," Isabella stated. "I don't make a whole lot of money but I get to meet some pretty interesting people and hear some crazy stories. Plus it's just me living in a little shoebox apartment so I don't have to worry about too much in terms of bills."

"I can only imagine the people you get to meet," Maura laughed. "I'm glad you're doing something that you enjoy."

A waiter came to take the women's order and, after quickly perusing the menu, Maura settled on a simple salad while Isabella ordered a bread bowl of soup.

"And you!" Isabella smiled as she nodded in Maura's direction after the waiter left. "You're what? The head honcho of all Massachusetts medical examiners?"

"Yes," Maura said with a chuckle. "I serve as the Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I operate out of the Boston Police Department Headquarters but I do travel around the state if required."

"I knew you were gonna go off and do big things," Isabella said softly. She tried to forget about her time at BCU and the years she thought that she, too, would go off to do great things. But being around Maura made those memories come back fight to be remembered. "So," she said trying to put a smile on her face. "What was it that had you thinking about me enough to track me down?"

"Oh," Maura said, remembering that she was the one who had initiated contact with Isabella. "A case came up a couple of weeks ago with a college student. It brought forward a lot of emotions for me and your name continued to also come forward."

"Did she look like me or something?" Isabella asked curiously.

"No," Maura said simply. "This young woman had self-injury scars on her arm and the responding officers were making crude comments about them. It just got me thinking about you and that time in our lives…" Maura trailed off, watching Isabella's face for any sign of anger or hurt.

"Not my proudest time in life," Isabella said with a forced smile.

"I can't imagine why it would be," Maura said softly. "I really am sorry that you had to leave the university," Maura said sincerely. "You were my best friend and losing you nearly pushed me to drop out," she confessed.

"I was your best friend?" Isabella asked, a hint of disbelief in her voice.

"Of course you were," Maura said. "I thought you knew that."

"Funny," Isabella said. "I feel like my best friend would have fought for me when the administration was threatening to remove me from the university."

"What do you mean?" Maura asked, suddenly feeling the butterflies in her stomach return at the cold tone of Isabella's voice.

"I asked you to be a witness on my behalf to tell the administration that I wasn't a disruption to the campus community. To tell them that was I was doing wasn't something that warranted kicking me out of university with just a year left. I asked you to fight for me, Maura, and you didn't."

"Izzy…" Maura said.

"My name is Isabella," the other woman corrected her. "No one has called me Izzy in years."

"I'm sorry, Isabella," Maura corrected. "But I couldn't act as a witness on your behalf."

"You couldn't or you wouldn't?" Isabella asked, her face smiling at the waiter as he delivered their food but turning cold again once he left.

"I couldn't," Maura confirmed. "Not in good conscience. I couldn't let you continue down the path of hurting yourself. It felt like every time we saw each other you had new burns or cuts somewhere on your body. If I stood before the administration and told them you were safe and not a liability to the campus, the severity of my hives would surely cause me to go into some sort of shock."

"You could have worn a turtle neck or something to cover the hives," Isabella countered fiercely. "You could have done something to fight for someone you supposedly considered your best friend. You should have fought, Maura!" Isabella said, trying to keep her voice down but her anger at the women before her growing.

"It wouldn't have done any good," Maura tried to reason with the angry woman in front of her.

"Yes, it would have! You were the golden child of BCU. The great Maura Isles who aced everything and had parents who donated money and could do no wrong! The administrators would have listened to you if you'd told them that I deserved to stay and finish my degree," Isabella debated.

"I couldn't do that," Maura said softly.

"Well, thanks to you I was kicked out of my dream college," Isabella stated angrily.

"But if it led to you getting help and stopping your self-injury-"

"It led to me getting help but I haven't stopped cutting," Isabella interrupted.

"Pardon?" Maura asked, not sure she understood what Isabella was telling her.

"I went to counseling for a few months like my parents forced me to do. Fed the shrink what she wanted to hear, kept my cutting to a minimum and in more hidden places, then packed up and moved here. Been in the Big Apple ever since," Isabella said with a shrug.

"And you are still harming yourself?" Maura asked, partially because she was a doctor who needed to know but more so because she couldn't fathom the idea that the woman before her continued to harm herself after so many years.

"Of course," Isabella said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Why wouldn't I be? If you were lucky enough to find a coping skill that worked wonders for you, why would I bother stopping? And if the coping skill works even after all these years? Jackpot."

"You think that you have hit the jackpot?" Maura thought aloud.

"Um, yeah," Isabella said. "Cutting is magical. Need to relieve some pressure that's built up inside you? Cut and let the pressure out with the blood. The world out of control? Cut and feel in control of how deep you go and how many cuts you make. People make you feel like crap emotionally? Cut and realize you can hurt yourself physically more than they can hurt you emotionally. It really works wonders. You should try it."

Maura simply sat across from Isabella, stunned at what the women before her had just said. The woman had seemed content to meet with Maura and was the one who invited her to the city but Isabella had just yelled at Maura in a restaurant and told her she was still harming herself.

"Maybe I should go," Maura said softly as she reached into her purse. "Here is my card," she said as she placed it on the table in front of Isabella." Maybe if you wanted-"

"No," Isabella stated firmly as she stood up before Maura had the chance to do so. "I don't think you should leave. And I definitely don't think I'll be taking your card. Goodbye, Maura," she said before turning on her heel and briskly walking from the restaurant.

Maura sat at the table, still in shock over what had just happened. She suddenly found herself without an appetite and, after laying a few bills on the table to cover her and Isabella's meal, grabbed her leather jacket and fled the café.

She took a few deep breaths of the fall air as she pulled her jacket on and oriented herself to her location. She slipped her hand into her pocket and felt for her phone, holding the power button until she heard the sound of the phone turning off. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts for the time being.

She closed her eyes to remember the path her cab had taken to take her from her hotel to the café. The driver had pointed out Central Park as they passed it and that was where Maura wanted to go. She was thankful she had worn a pair of jeans and relatively small heels so she could walk comfortably to the park.

She felt herself walking wherever her feet decided to take her as she allowed her brain to fully begin to process what Isabella had said to her.

_Thanks to you I was kicked out of my dream college…Cutting is magical…You should try it…_

Maura didn't snap out of her mind until she felt a raindrop plop squarely on her nose. She looked around her to see that it was growing dark quickly and that the air was humid, promising her that rain would begin soon. She caught glimpse of the clock tower to see that it was nearly 9 o'clock and she had spent nearly 8 hours lost in memories of her friendship with Isabella and dealing with new emotions that had been brought up. Realizing she should return to her hotel, Maura walked to the nearest intersection and oriented herself, mentally recalling a map of the area surrounding her hotel and turning to walk in the proper direction.

A brief 15 minute walk later and Maura stepped inside her hotel lobby, sighing in relief that she had beaten the rain that seemed to be preparing to fall from the sky. She entered the elevator and hit the button for the 11th floor, pulling her cell phone from her pocket as the doors closed. She turned it on and waited for it to alert her to any new messages. A smile crept onto her face—the first smile in several hours—when she saw she had three texts from Jane.

One from exactly noon read _I know your lunch with Isabella starts, like, right now, but I wanted to let ya know I was thinking of you and hoping it goes well._

The next one was delivered at 2:17pm. _Haven't heard from you yet so I'm hoping things are okay. Let me know if you need to debrief._

The last message was sent at 8:22pm. _Please text me when you get this. I swung by your place with Joe to feed Bass and he, Joe, and I are all worried about you. Let us know you're okay? xoxo_

Maura smiled at the thought of her tortoise, Jane's dog, and Jane all sitting in her kitchen being worried over her.

_Tell Bass and Joe they can stop holding their breath because I am fine. My phone was turned off and I just got back to my hotel. Sorry to worry you. _Maura sent the text and immediately began to change from her day clothes into her pajamas. She pulled on a pair of silk pajama pants and a plain white tank top, throwing her hair into a ponytail before hearing her phone buzz.

_What about me? Can I stop holding my breath or should I keep holding it?_

Maura laughed at Jane's comment and, before she could reply, felt her phone buzz with another message.

_Since you just got back to the hotel, I'm guessing that things worked out with Isabella? That you guys had a whole day of catching up?_

Maura felt a lump form in her throat as she read the message. She had hoped that she and Isabella would have a full day of remembering their years together and make plans to stay in touch but what had happened between them was clearly nothing like that.

_You can breathe, too. And, no. Things with Isabella didn't work out at all. They kind of sucked, actually._

Maura went into the bathroom to wash her face, both of her makeup and the last remnants of what had transpired that day. She found herself washing her face a bit rougher than necessary and had to force herself to remember to stay gentle with herself. When she emerged from the bathroom and checked her phone, she found a one word message from Jane.

_Skype?_

_Please, _was Maura's response as she grabbed her laptop from her bag and set it up on the desk in her hotel room. She opened Skype and quickly called Jane, eager for the comfort that only the detective could provide.

"Hey, Maura," Jane said as her face popped up onto Maura's computer screen. The brunette seemed to have set her laptop up on her coffee table in her living room and Maura watched as Jane stood up to grab a beer from her fridge.

"H-Hi," Maura stuttered as she saw that Jane was wearing a silk robe that barely reached the middle of her thighs. "If you're expecting company than we can just talk at lunch on Monday," she offered as she watched Jane sit back down.

"Huh?" Jane asked, not understanding Maura's comment.

"You just look as though you are expecting someone," Maura clarified. "With your robe and the make-up it appears you are wearing," she said with a soft smile.

"Oh!" Jane said as she looked down at the robe she wore. "No, I'm not expecting anybody. Just me and Joe here tonight." Maura arched an eyebrow and gave Jane a skeptical look, causing the detective to cave. "Sometimes I like to put on nice underwear and a silk robe to feel pretty, okay?" she admitted. "Remind myself that I am a girl underneath all the ass kicking and perp tackling."

"I had no idea, Jane," Maura said simply as she pulled a knee to her chest and rested her chin on it.

"Are you being sarcastic with me, Doctor Isles?" Jane laughed as she too a swig of her beer.

"I would never be sarcastic with you, detective," Maura grinned.

"I've been a bad influence on you," Jane chuckled as she adjusted her computer screen a bit to better see Maura. Once the glare from her overhead light was no longer obscuring her view, she noticed the lack of sparkle in Maura's eyes and the sadness that seemed to be overtaking the medical examiner. "So things sucked with Isabella?" she asked softly.

Maura simply nodded.

"Do I need to come to New York and smack some sense into her?" Jane asked, hoping to earn a smile from Maura.

"She hates me, Jane," Maura said dejectedly. "And from what I gather her hatred for me is not new. It has been that way for years."

"I don't think she hates you," Jane tried to comfort Maura.

"She blames me for her getting kicked out of BCU," Maura interrupted. "She says that if I had spoken to the administration on her behalf and told them that she was not a disruption or liability that she would have been allowed to complete her degree."

"She got herself kicked out, Maura," Jane said firmly. "She knew that what she was doing could get her into trouble and she made no effort to stop. You didn't get her kicked out."

"I should have fought for her," Maura thought aloud, mimicking Isabella's words from the café.

"I disagree," Jane stated. "If you had fought for her in the way she wanted you to fight for her, she would have kept hurting herself and gotten worse."

"She's still hurting herself, Jane. She told me that cutting felt like magic or winning the jackpot…" Maura trailed off, remembering what else Isabella had told her. _You should try it._

"Maura," Jane breathed, seeing the pain written all over Maura's face. "Is there anything I can do? Anything to help you or support you?"

"Do you think you could…" Maura trailed off, biting her lip as she realized the ridiculousness of what she was going to ask. "Nevermind," she said with a forced smile.

"Nuh-uh," Jane stated as she wagged her finger in front of her. "You can't do that."

"Can't do what?"

"Start a sentence and then just trail off and expect me to drop it. You know me better than to think I wouldn't bug you until you finish your sentence. So come on. Spill the beans," Jane commanded gently.

"I was wondering if you could stay on Skype with me until I'm a bit more tired? I'm in a bad headspace right now and I know that if I were to try and sleep right now that I would lie awake and it would not be good for my mental health," Maura said tentatively.

"I can do that," Jane said, laughing when she saw Maura's face light up at the detective's willingness to stay with her via Skype. "Go plug your computer in and then set the laptop on the pillow next to where you'll be sleeping while I grab another beer," Jane told Maura. "It'll be like I'm right there with you."

"Except I won't have to worry about anyone hogging the covers," Maura smiled as she set the laptop down on what would be Jane's pillow if the brunette was with her and slid onto the bed.

"Well, I wouldn't have to hog the covers if someone didn't have feet colder than the morgue that I needed protection from!" Jane said, popping her head in front of her webcam so Maura had a close up of her face.

"My feet are not colder than the morgue," Maura laughed as she relaxed onto her side and angled her laptop so she could see Jane and Jane could see her. When she saw that Jane gave her a skeptical look, she laughed even more. "So maybe they are," she said with a shy smile.

"There's no 'maybe' about it," Jane said as she shook her head. "Your feet are ridiculously cold and I need to hog all the covers because I might get frostbite from them!" Jane smiled as she watched Maura laugh and, for those 5 seconds of laughter, the stress of her lunch with Isabella left her face. But as quickly as the stress vanished, it came back.

"Did you wash out Bass' water bowl?" Maura asked, desperately trying to keep her mind off of Isabella and her words. _You should try it._

"Yep," Jane said. "While he was devouring his British strawberries," Jane said in a thick British accent, "Dame Josephine Friday and myself cleaned his water bowl and refilled it with only the most pure of H20," she continued with her accent.

"You are ridiculous," Maura couldn't help but say.

"I know," Jane said with a shrug. "So, do you wanna keep talking about Isabella or would you prefer to not talk about her?"

"Talk to me about sports," Maura said softly.

"Sports?" Jane asked, not sure she heard Maura correctly.

"Mmhmmm," Maura said as she pulled the covers of the bed up higher around her shoulders. "It's the fall which means football season, right? Which means…The Patriots?"

"Very good, Maura," Jane smiled. "You know what sport season it is and what the team name is. I'm impressed."

"Your sarcasm is noted," Maura said.

And with that, Jane began to talk animatedly about the Patriots season thus far and what she would do differently if she were the coach. She noticed Maura's eyes get droopy and eventually close but she continued talking about the team until she noticed it was nearly 10:30 at night.

"Hey, Maura?" Jane whispered, not wanting to wake the woman if she was in fact sleeping. When she got no response, she allowed herself a moment to watch the blonde sleep peacefully, facial muscles relaxed and a soft smile on her lips. Her gut was telling her that her best friend had kept a part of her conversation with Isabella from her but she knew that pressing Maura wouldn't do any good. "I hope you're having sweet dreams," Jane whispered to the sleeping woman before ending the call.

Jane quickly put her beer bottles in the recycling bin before making her way towards her bedroom. She stopped halfway down the hallway, turning on her heel to return to her still open laptop. The over 200 miles of distance between she and Maura had her feeling a bit more forward. She quickly typed a message via Skype to send to Maura so when she woke up and turned her laptop back on, she would see the message. Satisfied, Jane hit the send button and closed her laptop, whistling to bring Joe with her to the bedroom.

* * *

**Thoughts? If ya'll want me to continue just let me know. I've got the short message that Jane sent to Maura all planned out as well as another few snippets of dialogue I'd love to strengthen.**

**Is this something you all would like to see develop into a longer story? If it is, would you want to see Maura simply struggle with thoughts of self-harm or would you want to see her actually try it once? That's really up to ya'll.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for all the reviews! The best review I got told me that it was time for me to listen to my intestines as to the direction this story will go. That was incredibly helpful, to be honest.**

**There is not a whole lot of dialogue in this chapter—just a lot of character stuff, I suppose. Setting the stage for the future and stuff. Which means I am not really fond of this chapter at all. But the next few chapters will see more dialogue, I promise.**

**Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Maura awoke the next morning to soft beeping that gradually grew louder, gently pulling her from slumber versus jolting her awake. She shut the alarm off, noticing that even though she had fallen asleep with the bedside lamp on she felt rather rested. She pulled herself into a sitting position and stretched her arms above her head, taking a few deep breaths as she did so.

Deciding to double check her flight time, Maura pulled her laptop from its place on the pillow next to her and turned it on, smiling softly as she remembered falling asleep to Jane's voice. She wasn't sure when she realized it but hearing Jane's voice always managed to sooth the doctor if she ever found herself frazzled or anxious. Or, in the case of last night, unbearably sad.

Logging into her e-mail, Maura quickly pulled up her flight confirmation to ensure that she knew what time her flight was leaving that evening and which airline she would be using. She had booked a later flight in the hopes of spending as much time in the city as possible and, although she felt the urge to change her flight to an earlier one and return to Boston as quickly as possible, Maura forced herself to exit her internet before she could do so.

She was just about to close her laptop when she saw her Skype window blinking with a new message. Furrowing her eyebrow, Maura clicked on the icon to bring Skype up and smiled when she saw that Jane had stayed on the call until well past Maura had fallen asleep. She scrolled until she saw the most recent message Jane had sent her, time stamped just after Jane had ended the call.

_You're really kinda cute when you sleep. xoxo_

Maura felt her heart flutter as she read and re-read Jane's message. Was Jane being sarcastic in her comment because Maura, in fact, did not look cute while sleeping? Or was Jane being sincere? And if she was being sincere, was se being sincere simply because she was saying what she knew would make Maura smile? Or because she genuinely found Maura cute? Regardless, Maura smiled as she closed her laptop and headed for the shower to begin her day.

* * *

When Maura returned to her house she found all the lights off and an eerie silence settled in the living space. She hadn't asked Jane to but she had held on to hope that the detective would stay at her house past Sunday dinner to welcome her home. Yet there was no one but Bass who slowly peeked his head out from his shell as Maura's heels clicked across hardwood floors to hang her coat up in the closet. She smiled when she saw a note taped to the door of her coat closet.

_Hey, Maura. We got called to a scene at the tail end of Sunday dinner so we had to run. Pike will be at the scene so don't worry about meeting us. Unless I kill him and we need an ME to examine our ME. Ma says to tell you there's leftover eggplant parmesan in the fridge for you. Let's do lunch tomorrow. xo_

The note wasn't signed but Maura was more than familiar with Jane's handwriting. She pulled the note from the door and slipped it into her coat pocket before removing the coat and hanging it up. She picked up her small suitcase and walked to her room, setting it down by her laundry basket and walking into her closet to put her shoes in their appropriate box before moving to her dresser where she pulled out a pair of pajamas. In an uncharacteristic move, Maura slid into her bed without washing her face or brushing her teeth. She simply set her alarm clock and pulled her comforter to her chin and fell into a fitful sleep.

When she awoke the next morning, Maura knew that her lack of a decent night's sleep and less than solid mental state would be apparent to all those she encountered. So she did what she always did when a dark cloud seemed to pass over her.

She spent a few extra minute in the shower with a deep conditioner on her hair. When she emerged from the shower, she rubbed fragrant lotion over her entire body. After drying she pulled on her nicest lingerie and the maroon dress with lace cap sleeves she purchased in New York City that had her carrying herself a bit prouder. She applied make-up just a touch more dramatically than usual and pulled a large curling iron from her vanity to enhance her natural curls. She slipped on her favorite pair of heels to finish her routine and examined herself in the mirror. Not only would her physical appearance distract others from perhaps noticing she was not fully present but it would also distract her from the thoughts in her head.

She headed down to her kitchen to enjoy a cup of coffee and a bowl of fruit before heading to headquarters. She flicked on a light and began to move throughout her kitchen to prepare her coffee. She allowed her thoughts to remain on safe territory about the week ahead of her and not the weekend behind her. Yet when she opened a drawer to pull out something to stir her coffee with, her eyes immediately fell on the scissors nestled in the drawer.

_You should try it._

She slammed the drawer shut, trying to somehow slam Isabella's words from her mind. But they wouldn't leave and suddenly Maura found herself incredibly aware of every sharp object in her kitchen. The wooden block that held her knife set. The scissors in her drawer. The can opener that could create sharp edges of a can.

Feeling her chest tighten, Maura grabbed her purse from its resting place and quickly left her house, desperate to enter the solace that her morgue and science could offer. Yet the solace didn't come.

She entered the morgue and her eyes immediately fell to the large shears used to cut the breastplate of a body. She tried to avert her eyes but they landed on the table where scalpels of various sizes sat out, presumably by Dr. Pike. A pair of industrial grade scissors caught her eye next and Isabella's words once again flashed through Maura's mind.

_You should try it._

Suddenly the morgue was not a place of peace for Maura. She angled her head down to stare at the floor—a safe, neutral place to look. She took quick steps towards her office, quickly shutting her door and closing the blinds. But her office was also losing it soothing properties as her eyes darted to the drawer her letter opener was in and the scissors in the cup on her desk where she kept her writing utensils.

With slightly shaking hands, Maura took both the scissors and her letter opener and walked them out of her office. She placed them in a cupboard in the morgue before quickly making her way back to her office.

_You should try it._

Maura shuddered as she allowed herself to sink into her large chair, a luxury she was glad she splurged on when she accepted her position. She pulled her iPod from her purse and, while she refused to condone listening to music via earphones while at work, selected the playlist from an opera she'd seen in college and put the headphones in her ears. She placed her cell phone within her line of sight in case anyone called and began to diligently review the paperwork from the past week.

Buried under paperwork and oblivious to the noises of the world is how Jane found Maura when she made her way down to the morgue just after noon. She allowed herself a moment to watch Maura quickly take notes on a pad of paper, her elegant cursive script always impressing the detective. Jane took a few steps forward, careful not to startle the focused doctor. When Maura noticed a bit of movement, her head snapped up and she offered Jane a bright smile as she pulled her headphones from her ears.

"Hi," Maura greeted as she stood up and smoothed her skirt. "Have you been standing there long?" she asked, her voice more chipper than Jane would have expected. Jane immediately began to catalogue Maura's movements and facial expressions, searching for a hint as to why the woman was suddenly so much brighter than expected.

"No," Jane said as she noticed the differences in the medical examiner's appearance. "You, uh, look really nice today. Do you have a presentation or have to make a court statement or something?"

"No," Maura smiled. "I bought this dress at a boutique yesterday and couldn't wait to wear it. Do you like it?"

"I do, yeah," Jane said honestly. "I also like your hair. It looks curlier than usual…"

"I haven't curled it in such a long time because usually the natural curls are more than enough but today I felt the urge to curl it," Maura stated. "I might have to start doing it more often," she added.

"Yeah," Jane nodded in agreement, her gut nagging her that something was bothering her friend. "Are you busy?" Jane asked suddenly. "I was thinking we could grab lunch at the Robber."

For a moment, Maura's face fell as images of knives wrapped in the Dirty Robber napkins and the potential for broken beer bottles sharp edges flashed through Maura's mind.

_You should try it._

"I really should try to finish up my paperwork," Maura said as she pushed images of sharp objects from her mind.

"You sure?" Jane asked, noting the way Maura's face seemed to show a moment of panic at the mention of lunch.

"Of course," Maura stated as she mentally chided herself for letting her smile falter in front of Jane. "I still need to do inventory as well as finalize a handful of reports."

"Well then we could just take a quick lunch at the café?"

"I really shouldn't," Maura stammered. "Oh!" she said, quickly walking to the drawer in her desk where she stored her purse. "I have your souvenir," she smiled.

"Maura," Jane said, deciding to call her friend out on her deflection. But when she saw the smile on her friend's face, she decided to let it slide. "I wasn't actually serious when I told you I expected a souvenir," was the comment she decided to say instead.

"You weren't?" Maura asked, looking down at the small box in her hand and suddenly feeling self-conscious. "I'm sorry. I must not have picked up on your sarcasm when you told me you wanted one…" she trailed off.

"But I won't turn it down if you still wanted to give it to me," Jane said with a childish grin.

"It is from a little shop I found hidden away," Maura said as she held out the small box to Jane. "I know you aren't a jewelry fan but it's relatively simple in terms of jewelry. Plus it is made by women in a local domestic violence shelter with a portion of proceeds going back to the shelter," Maura added as she clasped her hands together to avoid fidgeting.

Jane smiled as she opened the box to reveal a small leather bracelet. There was a small rectangle of silver that had holes on either end and had been threaded through the leather. On the silver the word 'brave' was stamped.

"You don't have to wear it," Maura quickly said as Jane took the bracelet from the box to look at it closer. "You could just keep it as a little trinket or something."

"Help me put it on?" Jane asked, draping the bracelet over her wrist and holding her arm out to Maura. Maura simply nodded as she fastened the clasp, smiling softly when she realized the bracelet fit Jane's wrist perfectly.

"Do you like it?" Maura asked tentatively, her eyes traveling up from Jane's wrist to her eyes.

"I do," Jane said as she gave Maura a large smile. "Thank you. Both for the bracelet and not getting me a tacky t-shirt."

"I was tempted to get you a tacky t-shirt but then I realized you might wear the shirt in public and I just can't be seen with that," Maura chuckled as she took a step back away from Jane.

"I regret ever encouraging you to start using sarcasm," Jane said as she laughed.

"Oh, I wasn't being sarcastic, detective," Maura said. "I genuinely would not want to be seen with you in such a tacky tourist shirt."

"Ouch, Maura," Jane said, placing a hand over her heart in mock heartbreak. "Your words hurt me."

"I would say that I'm sorry but I'd hate to break out in hives."

"Maura!" Jane gasped, unable to contain her laughter. "You are so mean to me," she added. "Now I don't wanna go to lunch with you. Maybe I'll ask Susie and she'll be my new Google Mouth best friend."

Maura simply arched an eyebrow at Jane, letting the detective know that she didn't believe a word she said. Jane arched her eyebrow right back at Maura before turning around and exiting Maura's office with a grin on her face.

Once Jane left and Maura shut her office door, the melancholy she had been fighting returned, She eased herself back into her large chair and closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. Her phone buzzed and she groaned, praying a new case hadn't come in. She shook her head when she saw it was a text from Jane.

_I'm not really gonna replace you with Susie as my best friend. You know I'm not one for mushy gushy feelings but you're irreplaceable, Maura. I hope you know that and I hope you know I'm here for you always. xoxo_

Maura sighed as she read the last few words. She had known Jane long enough to be able to read between the lines. Jane knew something was wrong with Maura despite the blonde's best attempts at hiding her dangerous thoughts.

_You should try it._

"Maybe I will," Maura whispered to her empty office as she stood up and exited her office, pulling on her lab coat as she did so. She scanned the morgue for people and, upon seeing none, walked briskly to the supply closet. Aware that people could enter the morgue or would walk past the glass windows and see her, Maura reached into the box where the number 10 scalpels were kept. They carried several different scalpels but the number 10 blade had been Maura's go-to choice since her first frog dissection in high school. Still wrapped in a sterile package, Maura slipped the scalpel into her lab coat pocket. The weight of the scalpel was hardly noticeable but Maura felt a sudden calm fill her body as she slipped back into her office.

* * *

Maura had kept her lab coat on the rest of the day, occasionally allowing her fingers to slip into the pocket to touch the scalpel through its clear plastic packaging. She had no explanation as to how a steel utensil could offer such comfort when she had never used it for anything other than science but somehow the knowledge that she could use it if she wanted calmed her. Isabella's words still rang in her ears but they no longer left her feeling overwhelmed or short of breath.

But Maura was not an impulsive person. She was meticulous and cautious which meant that, for the next three days, she kept her lab coat on her as much as possible with the scalpel there to offer comfort. When leaving the morgue for the day she would slip it into her purse. It was almost as if the steel was absorbing her worries and fears that stemmed from her meeting with Isabella. Worries she told no one that only seemed to escape her body when she touched the outline of the scalpel. Like a transfer of energy from her body to the blade.

It was on Wednesday night that the scalpel was finally removed from its sterile package. Jane had invited her to dinner with the team but the medical examiner declined, saying she wasn't feeling well. The hives only stayed away because she truly wasn't feeling well—emotionally she knew she was a mess. It was Jane who interpreted her statement as being due to physical ailment.

Maura sat perched on her toilet seat, the familiar weight of the scalpel offering her comfort. She wore a pair of lavender silk pajama pants and a black tank top, her hair pulled away from her face in a low ponytail. She had gone through her nightly routine of feeding bass a late night strawberry, washing her face, setting her alarm, and plugging her cell phone in to charge. But tonight was different.

Every light in her house was off save for the light in the bathroom connected to her bedroom. She wanted to do this where she could see what she was doing. Gauze, hydrogen peroxide, and medical tape sat on her counter because Maura was still a doctor, despite her weakened mental state. She had no idea how long she had been sitting in her bathroom, eyes closed, relishing in the feeling of the scalpel in her hand. When she opened her eyes, however, she made a decision.

It was time.

Maura took several deep, cleansing breaths to calm her racing heart. She watched as her right hand grasped the handle of the scalpel just as if she were about to perform her standard Y incision. Except the body she was about to cut into was alive. It was her own. She placed the blade at the crook of her elbow, intending to make a clean line with the blade. She put a gentle pressure on the blade.

"Please don't."

Maura's head snapped up and the scalpel fell from her hands, the clinking sound it made as it hit the tiled bathroom floor nearly deafening Maura with the implications of what she had been caught attempting to do.

"Jane," Maura breathed as she looked into the eyes of her best friend who stood in her bathroom doorway. She saw no anger or fire in Jane's eyes. Just confusion and pain.

"What are you doing?" Jane said, her words just above a whisper, the thought of Maura hurting herself constricting her chest and making breathing difficult.

"You should leave," Maura stated, choosing to ignore Jane's question.

"Maura…" Jane said, her voice nearly cracking as she attempted to keep her emotions at bay.

Hearing Jane say her name, Maura clenched her eyes shut and brought her bottom lip between her teeth, a nervous habit she tried to keep hidden. She flinched slightly when she felt Jane grasp her hand and tug gently but allowed herself to be led to her bed by the detective. She watched as Jane pulled her bedding back, giving Maura space to crawl onto her bed before pulling the covers up. Maura allowed herself to relax slightly but tensed up again when she felt Jane slide onto the other side of the bed. Her body further tensed when she felt Jane mold herself to Maura and drape an arm around the doctor's midsection in a fierce and protective embrace.

"What are you doing here, Jane?" Maura asked.

"You're my best friend and I came because I care about you," was Jane's reply.

"I don't need you to stay here," the doctor said, her voice colder than she intended.

"I know you don't," Jane said softly.

"Then why are you-"

"Because I need me to stay here."

* * *

**Okay. So, I'm not fond of this chapter because the lack of dialogue and I feel like ya'll also aren't going to like it. But I promise the next chapters will be better. We'll dive into what is going on in Maura's brain as well as how Jane reacts to this.**

**Also, in case the last line is a bit confusing. I imagine Jane saying that in a sort of "I know you don't need me to stay here with you but I really need to stay here with you and know that you're safe and do my job as a protector. I need to know that I haven't totally failed as a friend." Does that make sense?**

**Thoughts are always welcome!**


	5. Chapter 5

**So, um, I've gotten some pretty rude messages sent to me because of this story as well some harsh reviews. All of which hit me in the gut. I guess I need a thicker skin because I haven't wanted to write anymore because some people feel the need to be incredibly rude when reviewing.**

**The fate of this story is really in limbo at this point. I'm going to write this chapter but I honestly do not know if I will continue the story. It hurts, to be honest. To write something and have people send hurtful messages to me. And, yes, I know that is the life of a writer.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Maura slowly awoke the next morning with Jane's arm still wrapped firmly around her midsection. She allowed herself a soft smile at Jane's protectiveness even while sleeping until she realized that Jane's breathing was not relaxed or evenly spaced.

"You're awake," Maura stated softly.

"Yep," came Jane's sleepy reply.

"Did you sleep at all?" Maura asked.

"Nope."

"We should get up," Maura suggested, although she made no attempts to free herself from Jane's embrace.

"Cav gave us the day off," Jane said.

"Why?"

"Why?" Jane repeated, quickly pulling her arms away from Maura and forcing her exhausted body into a sitting position. "Maura," she said as she pushed her hair away from her face. "I walked into your bathroom last night to see you holding a scalpel to your arm!" She wasn't yelling but frustration and fear were clear in her voice. "We need to talk."

"Jane," Maura said gently as she, too, moved to a sitting position and placed a soft hand on Jane's bicep.

"No," Jane said as she pulled her bicep away from Maura's touch and quickly left the bed to stand next to it. "You're not gonna try to use your soothing voice or your Google talk or whatever else on me. Wanna know why I didn't sleep last night?" she asked. Not allowing time for Maura to answer, Jane continued. "Because I was terrified that the minute I fell asleep you would sneak out of bed and lock yourself in that bathroom and finish what I interrupted," Jane said as she pointed to the bathroom where the medical supplies still sat on the counter and the scalpel still lay on the floor.

Maura sat unmoving in her bed, utterly at a loss as to what she should say. She closed her eyes, avoiding the gaze of her best friend. Her eyes flew open, however, when she heard a strangled sob come from the detective.

"I was so scared," Jane said from behind the hand that she had placed over her mouth to muffle her attempts at keeping her sobs at bay. Her eyes were wide and Maura could see the glassy look that comes before tears.

Maura removed herself from her bed and was in front of Jane quickly, wrapping her arms around the brunette's stiff body. Jane kept a hand over her mouth, hoping that would somehow keep her emotions from spilling out. Her other arm hung limply at her side as Maura rubbed soothing circles on Jane's back, aware of how the detective hated showing emotion in this way.

"Would you have done it?" Jane asked after swallowing the lump in her throat. "If I hadn't shown up last night, would you have actually done it?"

"I don't know," Maura replied honestly.

"We really do need to talk about this," Jane said as she pulled her hand away from her mouth and moved it to fiddle with a loose thread at the bottom of Maura's tank top.

"Okay," Maura said as she nodded her head and took a step back from Jane. "Here or the living room?" she asked. "Or your apartment," she added as an afterthought.

"I don't want ma to barge in on us so in here seems like the best option," Jane said as she fiddled with the bracelet Maura had given her on Monday.

"I'm going to use the restroom but you should change out of your work clothes from yesterday," Maura said as she gestured to Jane's wrinkled button up and slacks that she had slept in.

"Yeah," Jane said as she walked to Maura's dresser where a drawer was reserved for a few of Jane's spare work clothes and a pair of her pajamas. She pulled a pair of sweatpants from the drawer but they dropped from her hand as she spun around. "Wait!" she said louder than she intended, stopping Maura from closing the bathroom door behind her.

"Yes?" Maura asked.

"The scalpel is still in there," Jane stated.

"Oh," Maura said after she had turned around to see that the scalpel indeed was still on the tiled floor where it had fell from her hands the previous night. She disappeared from Jane's view and Jane immediately took a few steps towards the door before Maura reappeared with the scalpel in her hand. "Here," Maura whispered, keeping her head angled down and her eyes looking anywhere but Jane.

"Thank you," Jane rasped as she took the offered object and watched Maura slip back into her bathroom. The object felt like a lead weight in Jane's hand and the brunette had to swallow deeply a few times to rid herself of the lump in her throat. She quickly walked to the lockbox on Maura's dresser where Jane stored her gun and badge overnight and, after, moving the dials to the appropriate combination, placed the scalpel inside of it. She closed the box and mixed up the dials before quickly sliding out of her slacks and pulling the sweats on. She threw the pants into the laundry basket along with her button up shirt, leaving her in a white ribbed tank top.

Moving back to Maura's bed, Jane sat cross legged and leaned against the headboard, awaiting Maura's return from the bathroom. Seconds felt like hours and minutes felt like days but Maura eventually exited her bathroom and Jane scanned her body for any signs of injury. She exhaled deeply when she saw no sign of any. Maura slid onto her bed but remained as close to the edge as she could, leaving a larger gap than usual between she and Jane.

"Why did you come here last night?" Maura asked as she, too, crossed her legs and leaned against the headboard.

"You said you weren't feeling well," Jane said with a shrug of her shoulders. "So after I made an appearance at the Robber, I went to the store and got all the stuff ma used to give us when we were little and sick. Chicken noodle soup, ginger ale, popsicles, and this old fashioned bar of chocolate that she always bought but wouldn't let us eat until we got better. Gave us incentive to take whatever medicine she gave us so we could get the chocolate."

"You were going to-"

"Nurse the doctor back to health with good ol' fashioned Rizzoli medicine? Yeah," Jane said with a soft smile.

"Instead you walked in on me…" Maura trailed off, not having the courage to verbalize what had almost happened less than 12 hours prior.

"Yeah," Jane sighed. "I thought seeing Hoyt holding a scalpel to your neck was the worst thing I'd ever see in my whole life," Jane stated as she began to rub at the scars on her hands. "But last night, seeing you holding a scalpel to yourself…" Jane trailed off. "That takes the cake."

"I'm so sorry, Jane," Maura said as she watched Jane rub her scars out of the corner of her eye.

"Why, Maura?" Jane asked. "I've been up all night wracking my brain and trying to piece together everything but I'm coming up empty. Help me understand why you were gonna do it."

"I'm not like you, Jane," Maura said. She said it as a statement but there was a distinct sadness to her tone. "No, let me finish," Maura quickly said as she saw Jane open her mouth to speak. "I'm not like you and other people because, when I have a new emotion or desire or thought, I can't just shrug it off. I can't push it down or will it to go away. I'm not that strong. I need to explore and experiment and research. It's how I function, Jane. So when the case came up the other week and I had lunch with Isabella this past weekend, I found myself with so many memories and new thoughts and emotions that I couldn't push away. So I had to explore them."

"But Maura," Jane interrupted. "That all makes sense but exploring the memories and thoughts triggered by Isabella doesn't mean that you actually hurt yourself."

"I know," Maura said. "Which is why every spare moment I've had since coming back from New York has been dedicated to reading the literature published on self-harm. Studies by experts, testimonials of those who engage in it, research on the issue. If I understood the science and reasoning behind the action and what the end goal is for self-harm—control or pain or a release—I could replicate the end goal but without performing the action."

"I'm guessing that didn't work out," Jane stated.

"Correct," Maura confirmed. "I tried so hard, Jane. But I couldn't get Isabella's words from my mind. Every time I saw something sharp they echoed in my mind…" Maura trailed off, Isabella's words replaying in her mind as she spoke. "You should try it," she whispered.

"What?!" Jane asked, whipping her head to the side to look directly at Maura.

"That's what Isabella said to me at our lunch," Maura said as she felt tears well in her eyes as she finally said the words that had been plaguing her brain out loud. "She said I should try it," Maura added, her voice cracking as she turned to make eye contact with Jane.

"Oh, Maura," Jane breathed as she saw the pain on her friend's face. "Come here," she added as she opened up her arms to invite Maura in for an embrace. Maura shook her head. "Please?" Jane whispered. Maura nodded and scooted over until she was in Jane's fierce embrace. Maura's head found a resting place in the crook of Jane's neck while Jane wrapped her arms around the doctor and held her tightly. As if Jane could hold Maura together with just her arms.

Jane's arms tightened around Maura when she felt warm tears fall onto her skin as the blonde allowed herself to release what she had been holding inside of her for far too long.

"I'm not strong," Maura admitted through her tears.

"Maura," Jane said as she pulled away from Maura and placed her hands on Maura's shoulders, ensuring that the two of them maintained eye contact. "Don't you dare say that you're not strong."

"But-"

"Do not make me use your full name," Jane warned with a soft smile.

"Jane-"

"Maura Dorthea Isles," Jane said, her voice firm yet gentle. "You are so damn strong. Yeah, you might have had a moment of weakness but that doesn't mean that you are weak. Get it?"

"Yes," Maura whispered as she broke eye contact with Jane. There was a bit of movement that Maura saw out of the corner of her eye but she didn't dare look at Jane for fear of losing her cool all over again.

"Give me your arm," Jane said, grateful when Maura complied without question. When Maura felt a weight on her arm, she moved her eyes to see Jane fastening the bracelet she had bought the detective onto her wrist.

"I bought that for you," Maura said as she watched Jane fiddled with the clasp.

"I know," Jane stated as she finally fastened the bracelet and took Maura's hand between her two. "And don't think that this is me trying to tell you that I don't like the bracelet because I do. I haven't taken it off since you gave it to me on Monday," Jane smiled. "But out of the two of us, I think you might need a reminder of how brave you are more than me. Every day that I clip on my gun and badge I'm reminded of how brave I am. Of how brave I have to be. But Maura…" Jane continued. "You are just as brave as I am. So you are going to wear this bracelet every day until you can look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are brave without breaking out into hives. Got it?"

"What if I can't ever do that?" Maura asked, allowing herself to relax thanks Jane's gentle grasp of her hand.

"Then you take me to New York City and we go back to the stop where you bought the bracelet and buy me new one," Jane smiled. Maura couldn't help but laugh at Jane's ability to keep her sense of humor even in this situation.

"And until then?" Maura asked. "Until the day I can tell myself I'm brave?"

"Well," Jane said with an overdramatic sigh as she scooted down into a horizontal position on her back and pulled Maura to her, the blonde's head resting on Jane's shoulder and Jane's hand immediately going to run through Maura's hair. "I'll be brave enough for the both of us."

* * *

**There ya go.**

**Like I said, not sure if I plan to continue this story any longer but I do hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


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